Thought Changer

Loves That Make Up a Life

By Cindy Yantis

"For June who loved this garden from Joseph who always sat beside her." Some people do spend their whole lives together. ~ From the film NOTTING HILL

Last week my grandmother's house was put on the market, the house she'd lived in for most of her 98 years.  My mom sent me a photo of the house and it was so odd seeing it as an empty shell when it had always represented such life for me.   My grandmother passed last September.  It got me thinking, particularly during this week of Love, about how lifelong love surged through that home.  

I'm blessed to come from a family of lifelong loves.   I don't know the exact numbers, but collectively between my two sets of grandparents, my parents, and my sister and brother-in-law, there are well over 200 years of lifelong loves in my immediate family.   

A few years ago when I went through a divorce, I remember Grandma saying to me, “Why would you want to do that?  It’s so lonely out there.”  I didn’t really hear her at the time, being wrapped up in my own wrath, but now I understand even more about how precious relationships and family  were to her.  Grandpa was the love of her life, and she lost him over thirty years ago.  So, does that mean she was lonely?  She never entertained the thought of marrying again.  Grandpa was the love of her life.   But, she was still gorgeous and still turned heads when she entered a room.  So, when I asked her about it from time to time, she said, “No, I’ve had my husband, Honey.”  

I’ll treasure a visit I had with her several years ago where she took me all around her home turf, showing me where she grew up, where all of the cousins lived, where ancestors were buried, where she was working as a teenager when she met Grandpa.  She still had a twinkle in her eye when she told me how he came to her boarding house diner where she worked, day after day, sat at the counter, and ordered cola after cola until he mustered up the courage to ask her out.   I’ve wished ever since then that I had a recording of that conversation.  It was at once a fountain of youth for her, remembering her lifelong courtship; her voice and entire being becoming that teenager again.  Grandpa was the love of her life.

But, I learned so much more about what loves make up a life from my grandma.

Her letters were all full of stories about her friends and other members of our family, minute details about what they were doing, detailed descriptions of her garden, or her weekly bridge game or the meal she was preparing for an upcoming event and then more progressively in later years about her health and the health of those she loved.   Detailed letters that we would read to each other and laugh lovingly over her painstaking attention to specifics, mentioning the tiniest, what we considered sometimes to be the most insignificant minutia, down to the type of fabric, stitching and color the subject of her story was wearing.   But, in the next sentence we said, “That’s her life, those details.”  Grandma noticed everything.  And it gave her great joy to share those moments.  I will miss those intricate letters in her delicate, feminine hand. She loved to talk about the people in her life, but was never one for an unkind word.  Rather she spent her life truly interested in the lives living around her.  Those connections made up her life.

Even at the very end of her life, those connections kept her going.  Mom said she was sticking around because she didn't want to miss out on anything.  She wouldn't be rushed.  In the last week, it was the love of her life, still with the patience of a man in love who showed up for her; Grandpa was there, coaxing her to come home with him.  She was smiling and laughing, joyous in her final moments here, leading to her first moments there.  It doesn’t get much better than that.  I can just them picture together, him in his hat and suspenders, her wearing something in blue.  Young, in love, anticipating an eternity together.  

When I went  back to Missouri for her funeral, I was nervous about entering her great house on the corner without her in it.  At first it was odd.  But, everywhere I looked she was there.  From her wall-to-wall blue carpet, to her framed needlepoint, to the grape cookie jar that always held a delicious surprise (which now sits in my kitchen), to her pink robe and 14 housecoats, to her glass collectibles, to the wind that blew the chimes outside the porch window.   It made me realize that the part of her that’s in those 14 housecoats and grape cookie jar is the part of her that will remain alive always for those who knew and loved her.  Memories of a woman who loved and was loved.  It makes the empty shell of the house now easier to absorb.

So, what makes up a life?  Grandma answered that question for me.  It’s love, and relationships, and connection, and a kind word and thoughtful gesture, and living every day in a way that honors all of that.  Grandma did it simply, gracefully, perfectly.  

Lessons to live by, as you think this week about the loves of your own life.  Relish them. 

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  She is a writer living in Los Angeles.  For more info: CindyYantis.com

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Let's Make it a Happy NOW Year

By Cindy Yantis

A spider dangling from the ceiling.  That's what I woke up to on the first day of 2012.  My first instinct was to grab a magazine nearby and eliminate the unsuspecting offender, which is what I would have unconsciously done in the past.  But, based on the title of this article, I decided to take said magazine and guide the daddy-longlegs outside, releasing it to the wonders beyond. But, this cousin of Charlotte was having no part of it.  I lost track of it and found it scrambling back up its invisible web strand toward the ceiling.  There was something frantic about the way it ran for its life so I let it go as its spindly legs carried it off into the concaves of my house.  We made a silent agreement to live and let live. 

It got me thinking about how bold and fresh 2012 is going to be.  And, Charlotte's cousin allowed me my first act of making this a NOW year, rather than just a new year.  Changing the unconscious to the conscious and moving from the past or present to the now.

I had the divine pleasure of being with Marianne Williamson as she brought in 2012 at the Saban Theatre in LA.  There was something about being part of a collective consciousness - she was also streaming globally - that was more powerful and impressive than being alone while releasing 2011 and setting intention for 2012; impressive in that when her words reflected the many minds that were present with her, the impression was deeper and more active, collectively.  She talked about how giving yourself amnesty for all past misgivings, old stories and transgressions allows cause to reach into effect.  The effect being a new perspective in 2012 with a power of grace and presence of mind. 

Truly living in the now.   

So, how to make it NOW year?  Here are some thoughts to get your juices going:

• Give yourself a 2012 theme - annual themes are great to keep you motivated on your intentions for the year.  To keep you in a NOW year, use the theme as an anchor to bring you into the present moment, as a constant reminder.  My theme for 2012 is "Bold Visibility."  What's yours?
• Be awake - practice keeping all of your senses alive and stimulated by experiencing what life has to offer every day.  Don't be passive, be active in your own life.
• Keep connected - maintaining an open pipeline with God and a communal connection with others can be a vital way of taking you out of your fear and expectation and into the now.  
• Don't look back - the pesky past is the fastest way to take us out of the now.  The ego grasps onto old stories stuck in our subconcious that holds us back from the most magnificent now.  When you encounter gossip, or negativity, or complaints that stem from past beliefs try saying "That's so 2011!"  It sends the clear message that you're living in the now and holding yourself accountable for staying there.  

Living in the now is the only path toward living the life you're meant to live.

2012 is a powerful year for all of us.  Now is the time to give yourself the freedom to be all you're meant to be.

Happy NOW Year!

 

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  She is a writer living in Los Angeles.  For more info: CindyYantis.com

 

Relish the Stolen Moments of the Season

By Cindy Yantis

I don't know about you but I went through another holiday season completely overbooked. 

And, if history repeats itself, by the time the day of celebration actually arrives, I'm exhausted and have thoughts that I'm sure echo those of many others: too many shoppers, too many commitments, too much commercialization, not enough time.  And, then the holidays whiz by and you're in the middle of January before you realize it.  Maybe you can relate.

Well, it hit me yesterday that this didn't happen this year.  Sure, I was still overbooked with all of the above and then some, but somehow time felt slower this year, more joyful.  It got me thinking about why that might be.  To my summation, here's the difference...

I took control of my time this year, rather than the other way around. 

And, what really slowed things down for me were what I call the "in-between" moments.  The stolen seconds in between all of the busy-ness.  I think one of the reasons that the season flies by so quickly for so many is that we're in a constant state of anticipation for what's to come next; we're living slightly in the future.  So what happens?  We miss the present. 

That's what the in-between moments are all about.  Zooming instantly into the present slows everything down, even if it's just for a bit. 

So, what are the in-between moments, the stolen seconds, of the season?  They're whatever you create them to be.  There are many, but here are four to get you thinking: 

• Stop yourself in a crowd - whether at a party, shopping or just going about your day, physically stop and take in the faces around you, really take them in.  Count the number of new people you see in a day (I actually did this yesterday); it makes you stop and notice people rather than merely being amidst an endless sea of humanity. 
• Pause for the environment - relish in whatever is around you.  If it's nature, that's easy; breathe, see, smell.  If it's the vast commercialization surrounding you, appreciate the creativity or genius in that too. 
• Use joyful words - I found myself using the term "Joy Rising" a lot this season, a phrase I borrowed from Oprah.  It made a huge impact on my daily environment. Find words that make you joyful and use them regularly.
• Remember it's about Love - no matter your religious belief, the season is about wonder and love.  That omniscient feeling lives in all of us.  Remembering it is all it takes sometimes when stress threatens to fill us up.

"To believe in the wonder of the season is to see through the eyes of the heart." Flavia Weedn

After working diligently on staying present, this will eventually occur organically.  But, until that happens make a point to notice and relish the in-between. 

I wish you the happiest of holidays!  Thank you for taking some of your in-between moments to read Thought Changer this past year!

 

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  Cindy is a writer living in Los Angeles. 

How to Grow the Best Relationships

I recently pulled the classic film, "Pride and Prejudice," off my shelf to watch it again.  To say the story is infused with entangled connections is an understatement.  In fact, in the days of Jane Austen, people's lives were all about relationships; they were the number one rule of the time, making the right connections and nurturing those ties that bind.

It got me thinking about my own relationships, which had already been on the top of my mind because I have been on the receiving end time and time again of such meaningful connections, particularly as of late. It also got me thinking about what it means to build and sustain relationships in our lives.

This article could have just have easily been entitled, "Want a Friend? Be a Friend," because in order for the connection to be true and lasting, it's important to give as much, if not more, than you get. Science shows when we are in happy relationships, Serotonin neurotransmitters in our brains increase keeping us in better spirits.  As such, you have a tendency to be healthier and perhaps even live longer!

We can always do more than we're already doing in this arena, but here are a few reminders for doing your part in a friendship, or any meaningful relationship, whether it's for a lifetime or for the meantime:

• Take the time - set aside time to nurture your friendships.
• Follow through - when you get an email or phone message, answer it in a timely fashion.  And, do what you say you're going to do; don't make empty promises.  We all get overwhelmed at times with obligations, but repeated broken follow-through will only get you labeled as a flake.
• Don't be a fair weather friend - support the ups & the downs equally.  The true friend sits with you during the worst of times, fully present.
• Do what they want to do too - only because it's important to them.  When you're giving from that place, it's not a sacrifice but rather nurtures relationship.
• Tell the truth - don't be afraid to speak your mind in an authentic way.  If it's communicated in an open rather than constructive way, it's likely not to be perceived as criticism.  No one likes a know-it-all, I-know-what's-best-for-you acquaintance, but a friend who lovingly asks you questions to help you see your own truth, is a true friend.  Telling the truth is also about communicating how you feel when situations arise.  Truth is powerful stuff!
• Be generous - generosity of words, spirit and time forms the core of giving relationships.  The smallest gestures can go a long way and can take only seconds to impart sometimes. 
• Remember the milestones - keep a calendar just for these important dates: birthdays, anniversaries, special moments, and make a point of acknowledging them.  Think about how you feel when someone does the same for you.
• Hold their dreams - this is my favorite way to give to my relationships.  There's nothing so powerful as believing in your friends' dreams and goals, even when they don't.  Words of encouragement are many times the lifeline they need to forge ahead. "You will be brilliant at this!" 

The ties that bind us are the people in our lives.  Making the most of those connections are what make it all worthwhile. 

 

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  Cindy is a Career Architect, helping people build careers they love.  She guides clients through personal branding, career reinvention, leadership coaching and how to own the room.  Cindy is also a writer for hire, screenwriter & author.

 

Honor the Father in You

By Cindy Yantis

Our stories live in our bones.  In our cells.  In our hearts.  In our minds.  In our guts.  In our memorys.  In our mothers.  In our fathers.

This Father's Day week, as I was picking out a card for my dad, one that will honor him and what he means to me, it got me thinking about how entrenched he is in my own story, and about how our actions, decisions, attitudes, beliefs and our very lives, are a culmination of all of our stories as well the tales of our greatest influencers, including the good, bad and ugly. 

My dear friend Tina Alexis Allen has done more than buy a card in honoring her dad with her "one-man" show, "Secrets of a Holy Father," which she wrote and stars in.  By transforming herself into him, Tina takes her father's journey through life and the afterlife, confronting and embracing the many layers that encompassed her secretive father.  What comes out of this for Tina is an incredible tour-de-force performance from the heart.  She's honoring not only the tough and loving memory of her father but also those parts of her that are stronger because of her relationship with him. 

Tina is workshopping her show in New York next month in preparation for a full Off-Broadway production this fall!  Check out the clip on her fundraising site to get a flavor of her powerful performance.

Everyone has their own experience and sense for what father means in them.  What's important is to look at the strengths and fibers that live in you now as a result of those experiences.  

For me, a sense of father means knowing I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to, that respect for self and others is paramount, that my attitude is the one thing in any given situation that I can control and that family is the most important thing.  

Thanks, Dad.

So, take a few moments this week and honor what father means to you, in you. 

Happy Father's Day.

 

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  Cindy is a Career Architect, helping people build careers they love.  She guides clients through personal branding, career reinvention, leadership coaching and how to own the room.  Cindy is also a writer for hire, screenwriter & author.

 

How to Never, Ever Give Up

When Madonna appeared on one of Oprah’s last shows this week, that’s what she said we’ve learned from Oprah, “Never. Ever. Give. Up.”

Ironically, I’ve been gathering notes for this article for the last few days because this phrase has been popping into my consciousness a lot lately.   A profile in MORE Magazine on first time novelist, Kathryn Stockett, The Help, carried as its theme, “Don’t Give Up.”  Stockett received, amazingly, 60 rejections over a three-year period until a wise agent picked up her manuscript and proceeded to sell it in three weeks time!  People told her she was crazy, to move on to something else.  But, she never gave up.  Ever.   She kept revising, submitting, revising, and submitting.    There are numerous stories like this, from Thomas Edison to Henry Ford, to Diane von Furstenberg, to J.K. Rowling, where the odds were stacked against success, and success still came after perseverance and tenacity on the part of the never-giver-upper, even many times what others might consider failure.  After failure.  Henry Ford said, "Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely."

And, then a quote from Hilary Clinton got me thinking about how, if you really listen to your own voice, we are truly meant to never, ever give up.  She said, “Americans have always risen to the challenge.  It’s in our DNA. We believe there are no limits on what is possible or what we can achieve.”  This isn’t limited to Americans; we as humans have it within our code to never give up.  There are likely times you can think of when you felt like giving up, or quitting when it because too much of a challenge.  I know I have. 

So, how to never give up? 

• The first step is to take the time to recognize the power of your own yearning and will to achieve, whether it’s a writing project, a new product or business venture, a huge dream to make a difference in the non-profit world, a goal to end an injustice that you’re passionate about, a momentous climb up the corporate ladder, whatever the case may be, being cognizant of your unending desire to make it happen is a big part of the success story.
• Change your mind set about failure, by referring to what you had thought of in that light, as a lesson to how you will do it differently next time.  After every occurrence, or lack thereof, take stock of what you learned. 
• Don’t get set on what the end result is supposed to look like.  Your ultimate situation may look entirely different than what you imagined it to be.  Be open to the magic of the unknown.
• Find comfort in the idea that time is not against you.  I’m not suggesting you not set goals with deadlines.   But, rather the bigger Time is always with you, in other words things happen in the right time, for you.  If you can release the ticking clock it frees you to see an opportunity that you may be blind to if your eye is constantly on the clock.  Imagine standing in front of rosebud and yelling, “Bloom! Now!”   I know; silly right?
• Do it every day.  Chip away at your vision, a little every day.  Make a call, write a page, do some research, send a note, jog a mile, every day.  Don’t let the ember of your inner fire extinguish because you decide to quit, if in fact your voice still tells you this is what you really want.
• Create a vision board or wish list.  Be very explicit, put it away and come back to it often.  It’s a simple but powerful reminder.
• Engage with like-minded folks in your passion.  Sharing time and thoughts with those on the same journey keeps you in, keeps you fresh.
• Be like Nike.  Just do it.  You owe it to yourself to do nothing less.

And, Never. Ever. Give. Up. 

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  Cindy is a Career Architect, helping people build careers they love.  She guides clients through personal branding, career reinvention, leadership coaching and how to own the room.  Cindy is also a writer for hire, screenwriter & author.

Start Today - Live Life Anew

The blooming lilies beckoned from my back yard this morning.  I answered with my coffee cup in hand as I perused the outstretched buds, which live in seeming peace with a sprout of weeds and dying patch of grass nearby.   Usually, when I pay a too seldom visit to my little piece of LA, I focus on the weeds, the dead grass and the wilting flowers.   The upkeep seems never-ending. 

Of course the metaphor hit me over the head this Easter morning.  And, it got me thinking about now much easier, and safer, it is to focus on the areas in life that aren’t working.  The good stuff is right there in plain sight, but the clouds of negativity, judgment and doubt hover so heavily that we can’t see the opportunity, grace and beauty waiting for us to experience.

Re-birth follows death.  Thinking about the process as the natural course of the way things happen can create a sense of surrender and an openness to it.   Cutting off the dead part of a plant makes it flower and flourish; exfoliating dead skin makes way for the new; getting rid of clutter and junk in your home allows new, more alive energy to enter your life; and purging and clearing a negative mindset, which is the death of expansive self-growth, brings a mental freedom that makes room for clarity, gratitude, wisdom and most of all, love.

And, as the church bells toll in my neighborhood, I’m reminded once again that this is where God comes in.

Taking time to pray and meditate to God and the higher level of all-knowing consciousness is the key, the way and the light to releasing the dead, from the smallest parts of our lives to the deeper crevices of wanton lack of meaning in our souls.  In that vulnerable loving and personal connection with God, lies the strength and knowledge, a deeper knowledge than you or I can fathom in our human state, to live life anew.

So, as the birth of Spring surrounds you, take a few moments today, and everyday, to have that conversation.

Ask to be shown the areas of your life that need clearing and healing.  Surrender to the all-knowing love and guidance as to how it will be done.   Don’t worry about the how; focus on the surrender and the releasing. 

The moments of grace await you on the other side. 

Think Acceptance - Not Resignation

One expands your energy, the other puts a lid on it.  Guess which is which. 

I had a discussion with some friends yesterday about phrases we habitually use, whether they are thought connectors, or simply phrases that fill the space.  Words like "right", or "like", or "exactly."  A phrase that I have used and have started to use again is "it is what it is."   I had even included it in an article a long time ago as an example of an equalizer in a difficult management moment, an momentary acceptance if you will.

But, now I realize it's more a phrase of resignation, of resigning to a less than ideal situation or circumstance.  It has shifted my thinking about the notion of acceptance.  The very synonyms of resignation say it all: acquiescence, conformity, long-suffering, uncomplainingness.  That kind of makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.  Whereas to accept means to favor, to respect, to relish and admire or to come to terms with favorable reception and gratitude. 

It's a very simple shift.

Resignation means staying in the struggle and feeling of lack.  Acceptance means respecting what there is and working with it and beyond it with tolerance, respect and love.  I don't mean to sound woo-woo here, but try it on for size.

It will make you think about aging, being in an unsatisfying work environment, not being where you "think" you should be at this stage in your life, body issues, and relationships in a whole new light.

George Orwell said, "Happiness can only exist in acceptance."  Bravo.

I say, acceptance expands your energy, resignation puts a lid on it.

It no longer "is what it is."  I'm taking the lid off.

 

Take this job and... love it

I'm sure there are many days you'd rather end that sentence as in the classic 1977 Johnny Paycheck hit.  I find it ironic that Johnny’s last name is Paycheck given the theme of this post.  I’m just sayin’. 

I read a crazy statistic that some 1 million people call in sick every day and surveys vary, but anywhere from 45% to 87% of people in this country don’t like their jobs.  So, if this
is you, you’re definitely not alone.

But, this isn’t a misery-loves-company kind of day.  How about in honor of this day of love, you make a vow to really love your job.  Even if it’s just for a day?   

If you’re already there, congratulations!  If not, perhaps some of the following ideas might help:

• Call in sick.  Kidding.
• First morning thoughts – when you get up in the morning, think of 3 things you’re really looking forward to that day, anything from seeing certain co-workers, to working on a pet project, but list 3
• Greet everyone you see during the day – exchanging positive energy throughout the day helps to raise your spirits
• Tackle the tough stuff first – you know what they are, whether it’s a task that has been nagging at you or a mini-crisis that comes up in the moment, crossing those things off your list brings a sense of accomplishment which increases your endorphins (your happy hormones)
• Ask to be involved – possibly in other areas of your company that interest you, or in a project that you’ve been thinking about
• Showcase your talents – any time you get the opportunity to show your superiors your successes or even your unique thought process on a given problem, it’s a good thing and makes going to work more enjoyable
• Make your desires for advancement known – it’s not going to happen if you just have the conversation in your head.  Put yourself on the top of their promotion pile.
• Take mental health breaks – have a quick chat with a co-worker, call a friend or family member to tell them you’re thinking of them, walk around the block, do 20 twenty squats in the bathroom (you may laugh but I’ve done it!), drink a fast 8 ounces of cold H20, or close your eyes for 3 minutes at your desk and breathe deeply.
• Eat your lunch away from the office! 

Then at the end of the day look back at the good things that took place.  Don’t allow yourself to focus on anything negative, just the good stuff.  What you focus on expands and if you're only thinking about the negative events that took place during the day you'll only wake up to more of it the next day.  Yuck.

And, tomorrow is a new day!  Who knows?  Maybe you'll do it again tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Live the Questions "???"

"Live the questions and life will move you toward the answers." ~ Deepak Chopra

I love it when someone says something to stop me in my tracks.  I take it as a sign, a message I'm supposed to hear at that time, in that moment. 

My dear friend Kelly Lloyd recently shared a Deepak Chopra interview with me where he discussed tips for anti-aging and his message above hit me to my core, beyond the anti-aging discussion. 

It got me thinking about how we are so conditioned nowadays to seek the answers, to search and find whatever it is that plagues us on a deep, cellular level. Many times it's that constant "seeking" that keeps us from truly living the lives we have today, right now.  "When I figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life, then I'll be happy."  "When I lose twenty pounds, then I'll date."  "One of these days I'll leave this job I don't like, to find one that really means something to me."  "I don't know how to find out what that would be."  "I know something's missing and when I figure out what it is then everything will fall into place for me."  "When I sell this, achieve that, accomplish this, book that, win this, meet that..."  It goes on and on.  And, this conditioned way of thinking focuses so much of a fantasy future based on a fantasy result that we end up missing our lives!

"Live the questions and life will move you toward the answers."  To my way of thinking this has nothing to do with giving up on setting goals and creating desires in your life, which are invaluable in creating the life you want.  But, rather Deepak's message is to release the worry around it, to surrender to the positive flow of life energy so that your true intentions can organically reveal themselves.  Simply brilliant!

He gave a simple meditation to help you get there.  I vow to do it daily (grin). 

• Close your eyes.  Breathe in deeply through one nostril and exhale out of the other, repeating until you feel the vibration in your head and body.  Pay attention to your body, feeling the weight in your limbs. 
• Now, focus fully on your heart with thoughts of gratitude and love, getting specific about what you're grateful for.  It opens your heart wide for the next step.
• Ask your heart the deep questions: What am I? What do I want? What do I love? What's my purpose?  Now, here's the key.  Don't wait for and seek any answers!  Just ask the questions.
• Finally, in the deep place, listen for your heart beat.  It will come to you as a beat, a sound or a feeling, but wait for it.  It's a bit freaky, but it totally happens. 

Do this every day and you live in the wonderment of the questions, allowing life to provide the answers.  Imagine an entire day without worry of what's to come in your life, then a week, then a month!  It would be pretty awesome, huh?