Thought Changer

Loves That Make Up a Life

By Cindy Yantis

"For June who loved this garden from Joseph who always sat beside her." Some people do spend their whole lives together. ~ From the film NOTTING HILL

Last week my grandmother's house was put on the market, the house she'd lived in for most of her 98 years.  My mom sent me a photo of the house and it was so odd seeing it as an empty shell when it had always represented such life for me.   My grandmother passed last September.  It got me thinking, particularly during this week of Love, about how lifelong love surged through that home.  

I'm blessed to come from a family of lifelong loves.   I don't know the exact numbers, but collectively between my two sets of grandparents, my parents, and my sister and brother-in-law, there are well over 200 years of lifelong loves in my immediate family.   

A few years ago when I went through a divorce, I remember Grandma saying to me, “Why would you want to do that?  It’s so lonely out there.”  I didn’t really hear her at the time, being wrapped up in my own wrath, but now I understand even more about how precious relationships and family  were to her.  Grandpa was the love of her life, and she lost him over thirty years ago.  So, does that mean she was lonely?  She never entertained the thought of marrying again.  Grandpa was the love of her life.   But, she was still gorgeous and still turned heads when she entered a room.  So, when I asked her about it from time to time, she said, “No, I’ve had my husband, Honey.”  

I’ll treasure a visit I had with her several years ago where she took me all around her home turf, showing me where she grew up, where all of the cousins lived, where ancestors were buried, where she was working as a teenager when she met Grandpa.  She still had a twinkle in her eye when she told me how he came to her boarding house diner where she worked, day after day, sat at the counter, and ordered cola after cola until he mustered up the courage to ask her out.   I’ve wished ever since then that I had a recording of that conversation.  It was at once a fountain of youth for her, remembering her lifelong courtship; her voice and entire being becoming that teenager again.  Grandpa was the love of her life.

But, I learned so much more about what loves make up a life from my grandma.

Her letters were all full of stories about her friends and other members of our family, minute details about what they were doing, detailed descriptions of her garden, or her weekly bridge game or the meal she was preparing for an upcoming event and then more progressively in later years about her health and the health of those she loved.   Detailed letters that we would read to each other and laugh lovingly over her painstaking attention to specifics, mentioning the tiniest, what we considered sometimes to be the most insignificant minutia, down to the type of fabric, stitching and color the subject of her story was wearing.   But, in the next sentence we said, “That’s her life, those details.”  Grandma noticed everything.  And it gave her great joy to share those moments.  I will miss those intricate letters in her delicate, feminine hand. She loved to talk about the people in her life, but was never one for an unkind word.  Rather she spent her life truly interested in the lives living around her.  Those connections made up her life.

Even at the very end of her life, those connections kept her going.  Mom said she was sticking around because she didn't want to miss out on anything.  She wouldn't be rushed.  In the last week, it was the love of her life, still with the patience of a man in love who showed up for her; Grandpa was there, coaxing her to come home with him.  She was smiling and laughing, joyous in her final moments here, leading to her first moments there.  It doesn’t get much better than that.  I can just them picture together, him in his hat and suspenders, her wearing something in blue.  Young, in love, anticipating an eternity together.  

When I went  back to Missouri for her funeral, I was nervous about entering her great house on the corner without her in it.  At first it was odd.  But, everywhere I looked she was there.  From her wall-to-wall blue carpet, to her framed needlepoint, to the grape cookie jar that always held a delicious surprise (which now sits in my kitchen), to her pink robe and 14 housecoats, to her glass collectibles, to the wind that blew the chimes outside the porch window.   It made me realize that the part of her that’s in those 14 housecoats and grape cookie jar is the part of her that will remain alive always for those who knew and loved her.  Memories of a woman who loved and was loved.  It makes the empty shell of the house now easier to absorb.

So, what makes up a life?  Grandma answered that question for me.  It’s love, and relationships, and connection, and a kind word and thoughtful gesture, and living every day in a way that honors all of that.  Grandma did it simply, gracefully, perfectly.  

Lessons to live by, as you think this week about the loves of your own life.  Relish them. 

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  She is a writer living in Los Angeles.  For more info: CindyYantis.com

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Relish the Stolen Moments of the Season

By Cindy Yantis

I don't know about you but I went through another holiday season completely overbooked. 

And, if history repeats itself, by the time the day of celebration actually arrives, I'm exhausted and have thoughts that I'm sure echo those of many others: too many shoppers, too many commitments, too much commercialization, not enough time.  And, then the holidays whiz by and you're in the middle of January before you realize it.  Maybe you can relate.

Well, it hit me yesterday that this didn't happen this year.  Sure, I was still overbooked with all of the above and then some, but somehow time felt slower this year, more joyful.  It got me thinking about why that might be.  To my summation, here's the difference...

I took control of my time this year, rather than the other way around. 

And, what really slowed things down for me were what I call the "in-between" moments.  The stolen seconds in between all of the busy-ness.  I think one of the reasons that the season flies by so quickly for so many is that we're in a constant state of anticipation for what's to come next; we're living slightly in the future.  So what happens?  We miss the present. 

That's what the in-between moments are all about.  Zooming instantly into the present slows everything down, even if it's just for a bit. 

So, what are the in-between moments, the stolen seconds, of the season?  They're whatever you create them to be.  There are many, but here are four to get you thinking: 

• Stop yourself in a crowd - whether at a party, shopping or just going about your day, physically stop and take in the faces around you, really take them in.  Count the number of new people you see in a day (I actually did this yesterday); it makes you stop and notice people rather than merely being amidst an endless sea of humanity. 
• Pause for the environment - relish in whatever is around you.  If it's nature, that's easy; breathe, see, smell.  If it's the vast commercialization surrounding you, appreciate the creativity or genius in that too. 
• Use joyful words - I found myself using the term "Joy Rising" a lot this season, a phrase I borrowed from Oprah.  It made a huge impact on my daily environment. Find words that make you joyful and use them regularly.
• Remember it's about Love - no matter your religious belief, the season is about wonder and love.  That omniscient feeling lives in all of us.  Remembering it is all it takes sometimes when stress threatens to fill us up.

"To believe in the wonder of the season is to see through the eyes of the heart." Flavia Weedn

After working diligently on staying present, this will eventually occur organically.  But, until that happens make a point to notice and relish the in-between. 

I wish you the happiest of holidays!  Thank you for taking some of your in-between moments to read Thought Changer this past year!

 

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  Cindy is a writer living in Los Angeles. 

Honor the Father in You

By Cindy Yantis

Our stories live in our bones.  In our cells.  In our hearts.  In our minds.  In our guts.  In our memorys.  In our mothers.  In our fathers.

This Father's Day week, as I was picking out a card for my dad, one that will honor him and what he means to me, it got me thinking about how entrenched he is in my own story, and about how our actions, decisions, attitudes, beliefs and our very lives, are a culmination of all of our stories as well the tales of our greatest influencers, including the good, bad and ugly. 

My dear friend Tina Alexis Allen has done more than buy a card in honoring her dad with her "one-man" show, "Secrets of a Holy Father," which she wrote and stars in.  By transforming herself into him, Tina takes her father's journey through life and the afterlife, confronting and embracing the many layers that encompassed her secretive father.  What comes out of this for Tina is an incredible tour-de-force performance from the heart.  She's honoring not only the tough and loving memory of her father but also those parts of her that are stronger because of her relationship with him. 

Tina is workshopping her show in New York next month in preparation for a full Off-Broadway production this fall!  Check out the clip on her fundraising site to get a flavor of her powerful performance.

Everyone has their own experience and sense for what father means in them.  What's important is to look at the strengths and fibers that live in you now as a result of those experiences.  

For me, a sense of father means knowing I can accomplish whatever I set my mind to, that respect for self and others is paramount, that my attitude is the one thing in any given situation that I can control and that family is the most important thing.  

Thanks, Dad.

So, take a few moments this week and honor what father means to you, in you. 

Happy Father's Day.

 

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  Cindy is a Career Architect, helping people build careers they love.  She guides clients through personal branding, career reinvention, leadership coaching and how to own the room.  Cindy is also a writer for hire, screenwriter & author.

 

How to Never, Ever Give Up

When Madonna appeared on one of Oprah’s last shows this week, that’s what she said we’ve learned from Oprah, “Never. Ever. Give. Up.”

Ironically, I’ve been gathering notes for this article for the last few days because this phrase has been popping into my consciousness a lot lately.   A profile in MORE Magazine on first time novelist, Kathryn Stockett, The Help, carried as its theme, “Don’t Give Up.”  Stockett received, amazingly, 60 rejections over a three-year period until a wise agent picked up her manuscript and proceeded to sell it in three weeks time!  People told her she was crazy, to move on to something else.  But, she never gave up.  Ever.   She kept revising, submitting, revising, and submitting.    There are numerous stories like this, from Thomas Edison to Henry Ford, to Diane von Furstenberg, to J.K. Rowling, where the odds were stacked against success, and success still came after perseverance and tenacity on the part of the never-giver-upper, even many times what others might consider failure.  After failure.  Henry Ford said, "Failure is only the opportunity to begin again, only this time more wisely."

And, then a quote from Hilary Clinton got me thinking about how, if you really listen to your own voice, we are truly meant to never, ever give up.  She said, “Americans have always risen to the challenge.  It’s in our DNA. We believe there are no limits on what is possible or what we can achieve.”  This isn’t limited to Americans; we as humans have it within our code to never give up.  There are likely times you can think of when you felt like giving up, or quitting when it because too much of a challenge.  I know I have. 

So, how to never give up? 

• The first step is to take the time to recognize the power of your own yearning and will to achieve, whether it’s a writing project, a new product or business venture, a huge dream to make a difference in the non-profit world, a goal to end an injustice that you’re passionate about, a momentous climb up the corporate ladder, whatever the case may be, being cognizant of your unending desire to make it happen is a big part of the success story.
• Change your mind set about failure, by referring to what you had thought of in that light, as a lesson to how you will do it differently next time.  After every occurrence, or lack thereof, take stock of what you learned. 
• Don’t get set on what the end result is supposed to look like.  Your ultimate situation may look entirely different than what you imagined it to be.  Be open to the magic of the unknown.
• Find comfort in the idea that time is not against you.  I’m not suggesting you not set goals with deadlines.   But, rather the bigger Time is always with you, in other words things happen in the right time, for you.  If you can release the ticking clock it frees you to see an opportunity that you may be blind to if your eye is constantly on the clock.  Imagine standing in front of rosebud and yelling, “Bloom! Now!”   I know; silly right?
• Do it every day.  Chip away at your vision, a little every day.  Make a call, write a page, do some research, send a note, jog a mile, every day.  Don’t let the ember of your inner fire extinguish because you decide to quit, if in fact your voice still tells you this is what you really want.
• Create a vision board or wish list.  Be very explicit, put it away and come back to it often.  It’s a simple but powerful reminder.
• Engage with like-minded folks in your passion.  Sharing time and thoughts with those on the same journey keeps you in, keeps you fresh.
• Be like Nike.  Just do it.  You owe it to yourself to do nothing less.

And, Never. Ever. Give. Up. 

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  Cindy is a Career Architect, helping people build careers they love.  She guides clients through personal branding, career reinvention, leadership coaching and how to own the room.  Cindy is also a writer for hire, screenwriter & author.

Start Today - Live Life Anew

The blooming lilies beckoned from my back yard this morning.  I answered with my coffee cup in hand as I perused the outstretched buds, which live in seeming peace with a sprout of weeds and dying patch of grass nearby.   Usually, when I pay a too seldom visit to my little piece of LA, I focus on the weeds, the dead grass and the wilting flowers.   The upkeep seems never-ending. 

Of course the metaphor hit me over the head this Easter morning.  And, it got me thinking about now much easier, and safer, it is to focus on the areas in life that aren’t working.  The good stuff is right there in plain sight, but the clouds of negativity, judgment and doubt hover so heavily that we can’t see the opportunity, grace and beauty waiting for us to experience.

Re-birth follows death.  Thinking about the process as the natural course of the way things happen can create a sense of surrender and an openness to it.   Cutting off the dead part of a plant makes it flower and flourish; exfoliating dead skin makes way for the new; getting rid of clutter and junk in your home allows new, more alive energy to enter your life; and purging and clearing a negative mindset, which is the death of expansive self-growth, brings a mental freedom that makes room for clarity, gratitude, wisdom and most of all, love.

And, as the church bells toll in my neighborhood, I’m reminded once again that this is where God comes in.

Taking time to pray and meditate to God and the higher level of all-knowing consciousness is the key, the way and the light to releasing the dead, from the smallest parts of our lives to the deeper crevices of wanton lack of meaning in our souls.  In that vulnerable loving and personal connection with God, lies the strength and knowledge, a deeper knowledge than you or I can fathom in our human state, to live life anew.

So, as the birth of Spring surrounds you, take a few moments today, and everyday, to have that conversation.

Ask to be shown the areas of your life that need clearing and healing.  Surrender to the all-knowing love and guidance as to how it will be done.   Don’t worry about the how; focus on the surrender and the releasing. 

The moments of grace await you on the other side. 

Life is a River

“President Obama is in town.”  Seems a simple enough statement.  But, when you live in Los Angeles, it sparks a murmur, at times a roar, of discussions about a topic that can bring on a blood-pumping debate in the lives of Los Angelinos.

Traffic.

Roads are closed.  Detours abound.  And, tempers needlessly flare.  Traffic flow stops flowing.

Or does it?  Doesn’t the flow just change direction?  Those who “go with the flow”, planning for and accepting what is, will be able to deal with the new traffic flow with reasonable ease and diminished aggravation.

It reminded me of a Colorado whitewater rafting trip a few years ago.   During the mini-prep session prior to the romp down the rapids, our guide helped us don our life jackets, coached us as much as possible on what might confront us: “lean into the raft”, “don’t fight the wave by leaning away from it”, etc.  But, when our raft banked a huge boulder in the midst of an angry rapid, I did just that, leaned away from the danger instead of rolling with the movement of the boat.  I fell out, crashing to the bottom of the river against the rocks.  In that split second, I remembered his last instruction, “If you fall out, relax your body and don’t fight the water. Relax and go with the flow.”   Oddly, in the throes of adrenaline-racing action, my body did calm and I was easily lifted back to safety.  

In many ways, life is like that river.  Rivers are powerful and rich forces of nature that surge with purpose toward their ultimate destination, usually a larger body of water.  The course of the river is called its path, and along the path are calm pools of water; swampy marshes; shallow, rocky streams; rough rapids and waterfalls that cascade the river and all that goes with it to another level, all still in search of that final destination.

The particles and inhabitants of the river understand its flow and current, travelling with the ebb and tide as obstacles enter the river path.  

A purposeful life, in flow, has the same attributes.  I’m not talking about conformity or status quo here, but rather the sense of peace and release that comes from surrendering to the organic flow of your life and the unknown circumstances you encounter each day.  When I’ve felt most centered in my life and most sure in my choices was when things flowed easily from one event to the next, like liquid.  It’s also when I’ve felt the most “on purpose.” 

How do you live a life like a river?  Here are a few thoughts to get you started:

• You may not be able to control your external environment at times, but you can control your reaction to your environment.  Act like a duck in that water and let it roll off your back.  Don’t fret over what you can’t control.  Ask yourself, “is there something I can do about what is happening out there?” If not, let it go.
• Pay attention to your body’s response to your own actions and decisions.  If the rapids start to roll in your belly, chances are it’s a decision or action you want to take another look at.  That’s your intuition speaking to you about what’s right for you.
• Get back to what you love.  When you focus on what you love to do and whom you love to be with, the flow rises up to meet you. 

“Love is like a river that drowns the tender reed.” ~ from The Rose

• Be in gratitude.  When you project gratitude for what’s working in your life, more of the same flows back to you.
• Set clear intention for your desired destinations along your life path.  When your sights are set toward those destinations, the flow surges forward forcefully. 
• Embrace the detours.  Rivers have numerous branches and streams.  It’s the same with life.  Sometimes the detours bring new and more interesting choices.  It could lead to a watershed event in your life!

So, when life throws you a curve or forces a detour, remember the river.  Relax and go with the flow.

You may publish or re-post this article with the following credit:

Cindy Yantis is the Thought Changer Blog owner & curator.  Cindy is a Career Architect, helping people build careers they love.  She guides clients through personal branding, career reinvention, leadership coaching and how to own the room.  Cindy is also a writer for hire, screenwriter & author.

Life Lessons from a High School Basketball Game

It had been raining for days in Los Angeles.  On one such afternoon, when the rain took a breath, I looked out my kitchen window and saw something you don't see very often.  A red balloon.  A red balloon that hovered mid-air as it's white string tapped hopefully on the patio cement.  A red balloon that had survived the storm.  How did it wander into my yard?  Did it feel safer there?  Was it hiding under my olive tree, hoping the storm wouldn't find it there?

For me it created a sense of wonder which I sort of think red balloons were put on this earth to do, to create in us a sense of wonder, of what's possible. 

So, I've been noodling that around for a few days. 

And, then last night I went to my nephew's basketball game.  Kirk's team, Walled Lake Northern, played cross-town rival Lakeland for a spot in the District Championship.  It's been a couple of decades since I've been to a high school basketball game; my nephew lives 3000 miles away and I usually visit during the holiday or summer.  So, it was kind of nostalgically thrilling to be there, not only because I was going to finally see him do something he loves and is really good at, but also because it reminded me of why I used to love high school sports and also why I love sports movies.

It seemed to me that there were red balloons all over the ceiling, flying out of the air vents and bobbing along the stands among the passionate we-have-to-win-this-game-or-we'll-die fans.  Okay, there wasn't really a red balloon in sight, but the room was buzzing with possibility.  And, in that span of about 90 minutes, emotions ran the gamut of a full lifetime, from the birth of the opening jump shot to the final buzzer which meant death on one end of the court and another birth on the other end.  And, in between, I couldn't help but think of the many life lessons that were stuffed into a time warp of those four quarters.

• Play well with others - it seems obvious but nevertheless it's a good daily reminder
• Don't hog the ball or the glory - giving credit where credit is due establishes you as not only a team player, but as a leader
• Slow down and assess before jumping into action - if you don't you may miss the mark
• Listen to your advisors and coaches - don't be intimidated to ask for help
• Trust your training and knowledge - allow your instincts to guide you

The best plays of the game were those between team members where they appeared to be connected by an invisible rope. They happened quickly and could only happen with good training followed by cohesive instinct. 

• Learn from defeat - take the time to reflect on what you can glean from the experience before you move on

It can all come crashing in a matter of seconds as it did in this smashing game. 

The game was virtually tied all throughout.  Lakeland was supposed to win as they had the last two times the teams met.  So, the fact that Northern kept it neck and neck added to the excitement, added a few more red balloons to the room.  It came down to the last 12 seconds of the game.  Lakeland was up by two after a quick series of fouls and free throw shots, and they had already started to celebrate.  After a breath-holding timeout, Northern had the ball.  Kirk started the play and began the perfect set-up for the perfect play.  His best friend, Jared, had the ball with 2 seconds to go.  He swooshed an ideal 3-pointer to win the game.  Instant celebrity. 

Also in that instant, Lakeland went from scraping the ceiling to puddling the floor.  Faces were stunned, mouths agape, for several moments.  But, then as the elated Northern Knights rejoiced, they handled their defeat gracefully, congratulating the winners and then headed back into the locker room, no doubt to a lecture discussing what they learned from their defeat. 

• Relish in the victories - allow the good feelings to last as long as possible; it's what builds us up to keep moving forward

In those last split seconds red balloons were flying and popping with joy.  It was fascinating how explosively and organically victory and defeat lived side by side and on top of each other in the same room.  It worked.  Life is the same way as the high and low moments flow like a river.

And, lastly,

• Kiss the spot - recognize and appreciate the small and big milestones along the way.  Those milestones make a life and help to identify the richness of the journey.

The fans and team rallied around Jared after his heroic play.  They placed his name on the floor where he'd made his winning shot and then chanted, "Kiss the spot!  Kiss the spot!"  So Jared obliged and kissed his spot on the floor, his moment in time, his milestone that he most assuredly won't soon forget.

Remember to look for the red balloons.  They're everywhere if you just take time to notice.

 

 

 

Think Acceptance - Not Resignation

One expands your energy, the other puts a lid on it.  Guess which is which. 

I had a discussion with some friends yesterday about phrases we habitually use, whether they are thought connectors, or simply phrases that fill the space.  Words like "right", or "like", or "exactly."  A phrase that I have used and have started to use again is "it is what it is."   I had even included it in an article a long time ago as an example of an equalizer in a difficult management moment, an momentary acceptance if you will.

But, now I realize it's more a phrase of resignation, of resigning to a less than ideal situation or circumstance.  It has shifted my thinking about the notion of acceptance.  The very synonyms of resignation say it all: acquiescence, conformity, long-suffering, uncomplainingness.  That kind of makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time.  Whereas to accept means to favor, to respect, to relish and admire or to come to terms with favorable reception and gratitude. 

It's a very simple shift.

Resignation means staying in the struggle and feeling of lack.  Acceptance means respecting what there is and working with it and beyond it with tolerance, respect and love.  I don't mean to sound woo-woo here, but try it on for size.

It will make you think about aging, being in an unsatisfying work environment, not being where you "think" you should be at this stage in your life, body issues, and relationships in a whole new light.

George Orwell said, "Happiness can only exist in acceptance."  Bravo.

I say, acceptance expands your energy, resignation puts a lid on it.

It no longer "is what it is."  I'm taking the lid off.

 

A Day of Service « Ferrell's Community

My amazing friend Ferrell Marshall's latest blog post gives great suggestions for how to volunteer yourself for service.  She's a living example...

I vow to do more. 

"Everybody can be great, because anybody can serve. You don’t have to have a college degree to serve. You don’t have to make your subject and verb agree to serve. You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love"

Read more...   via ferrellscommunity.wordpress.com

Do Genius and Obsession Walk Hand in Hand?

"Music is the mediator between the spiritual and sensual life." ~ Beethoven

I saw this brilliant show last night at The Ahmanson in LA, the original Broadway cast in the Tony nominated play, "33 Variations."   The story dissects Beethoven's obsession with his composition of 33 variations on Anton Diabelli's waltz, told via a musicologist's own obsession with Beethoven's obsession.  The musicologist was portrayed mesmorizingly by Jane Fonda. 

It got me thinking about how both of their obsessions led to true genius by "33 Variations" playwright Moises Kaufman.

Does obsession lead to genius?  Can it?  If it's channeled in the right way? 

Is it curiosity with purpose, or a need to fill a neverending hole?  Is it ever satisfied?

Dorothy Parker said, "The cure for boredom is curiosity.  There is no cure for curiosity." 

Well, if this is what curiosity leads to obsession leads to genius looks like... I want some.